Awakening: Coming back to Me

Hello, my name is Lysandra Elena

Let me reintroduce myself. 👋🏽

It’s been about 10 years since I’ve posted on my blog, I used to write regularly. Since then, I’ve still been writing - just not as consistently, and mostly for myself and my own processing of life and living. 

I’ve recently been going through a season of restoration and coming back to my authentic self - incredible gratitude for all of those who have been part of my healing journey, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. I am blessed beyond all measure, and I’m excited to see what’s next for me. 

Stay tuned, more coming soon! - LB

Grief

...is an odd thing, isn't it?

One moment, you think you are fine.

Then you recall a fond memory, or find a handwritten note while flipping through an old journal and it all comes rushing back.

Time, as we experience, is linear.

Memories, for me, are a collection.

Of laughter, stories, love, and time spent together.

My grandmother leaning over to tuck me in. Her "bird face".

Instructions on how to prep the potatoes to yield the perfect mashed potatoes for the Thanksgiving feast.

Most of all, of wisdom imparted in passing.

Of all of the beautiful times we held concerts and she laughed and clapped, and cheered.

When I would call her and tell her I did well on my exam in school, and she would tell me "My babies are the best!" without wavering, since she always had more faith in us than we ever had in ourselves.

The beauty, elegance, gentle grace, tenacity, kindness, and latin fire.

All of this was my Abuelita.

She was, and always will be, an integral part of me.

My inspiration - my encourager, my intercessor, my friend.

If I had one more day, I'd hug her a little tighter, stay a little longer, and (try) to get her to sit and visit more persistently. She hardly ever slowed down, but when she did, those were golden moments.

Sitting on the couch together, holding hand, peaceful. Happy.

At rest.

And I know she is, looking down, smiling. Whole.

I love you Abuelita - con todo mi alma. Siempre.

~Lysandrita

In Every Season

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91:4 In every season, God is faithful. No matter how we may feel or the doubts that we experience, He is there. Last week, we said good bye for the last time to my beloved Abuelita. She has been such a part of my life, and it is so difficult to imagine life going on without her. It was so hard to see her in such pain at the end, as she had been fighting cancer for 6 years, and it had finally gone into her lungs. When she finally passed, she went peacefully in her sleep. Even at the end, she was thinking of everyone else, worrying about food and lodging, but we reassured her that everything was taken care of. It was so precious that she was able to kiss and hug her children and grandchildren one last time before she went. I am so very grateful that we had the time with her that we did. It was so very special to be with her, gathered around as we walked her through the shadow of death into the arms of the Father. Many people have little warning that their loved ones are going to pass, with sudden illnesses such as heart attacks or strokes. We had the time to gather and say goodbye, which was special albeit painful to see her wither away to almost nothing as she lost all appetite and reverted to her native language. What was so special was singing songs over her as she drifted in and out of consciousness. I have to believe she could hear me and was blessed with God's peace through this. What I found most interesting is that when my Abuelita breathed her last breath on this earth, I was not by her side. Instead, I was found caring for the youngest grandchild - bathing baby Anita Jean and playing with her. This is what my Abuelita longed to do, and what she would have been doing had she been whole and well. She was such a selfless servant. I am and will be forever grateful for the example she set of family first and unconditional love. The legacy of my grandmother's heart to serve and love for others lives on and is a burning passion in my heart, lit by the Lord and tended by her and others who have gone before. I hope and pray that this is something that will continue to grow in me, so I can reach out - serving and loving others.

The in - between

So long I've waited, waited for my life to begin. First it was high school, then university. Now it is career. What after that? Marriage, children, house with a white picket fence?

I am beginning to realize that life isn't about a destination, it is about the journey. The day - to - day struggles. Living in the moment and not stressing over what could have been, but accepting things as they are. Choosing to find the gems in your path, instead of focusing on the rocks you stubbed your toes on. Joy is found in looking towards the future with hope, dreaming about what could be and making a plan to weave that into reality.

Perhaps I am not where I want to be yet, but why should I let that steal from my joy in this season? My quest is to gain what I can through this time, this in-between. Before I know it I will be moved on to where I want, and look upon this season of quietude with longing and a sigh.

Lord,

Teach me to trust you. So often I forget. Thank you for being patient with me, as I seem to need to be instructed in the same way any times over. Help me to have joy in this season and give me eyes to see what you are doing in the here and now. Let me not discredit the work you are doing in me. Continue to give me a clear, laser focus on you. A heart that is relentlessly and hopelessly in pursuit of my King. Wholly devoted. Endurance for the journey, peace in my heart. I am Yours.

Love,

Lys

Remembering Abuelita

Written: 12/19/12 6:20PM

Walked over to UNCW sitting by the pond. I can’t even stand to be in the same room, let alone the same house as my own sister. Why? Resentment.

I can’t be ‘the strong one’ anymore. It’s killing me and I know that my soul is so tired and weary of bearing the weight of so many burdens that aren’t mine to bear.

I haven’t cried enough.

                  Haven’t felt enough.

How keenly, how deeply, gut wrenchingly aware I am of the extreme loss we have suffered at the death of my beloved Abuelita. In so many ways, she was the one I would turn to in times of distress and she always knew what to say – so much wisdom and virtue – lost to the abyss of murderous life draining cancer. I can’t see the point of any of it.

I can cry all day it won’t change anything. But crying is not the point in itself. It’s the release of emotion.

I haven’t given myself space.

Been so focused on the goal that I forgot to tend the wounds received along the way.

Grief is healthy.

                  Grief is natural…

I tell myself this time and again.

Doesn’t change the way I respond.

Still I am wooden while the infection within brews into a full fledged attack on the very core of my being and those around me, who love me most, feel the brunt of the agony and anger that results. I am my own worst enemy, not because of something I have done, but because of something I have failed to let myself do – GRIEVE.

Keenly feel the loss and its consequences.

                 

Accept that she is gone and never coming back.

                                   

Stop wishing that I had refused the last gift she tried to give me.

Known that those last times we spoke would be the final conversations.

So many things I wish I’d said.

Times I wish I’d helped her in the kitchen instead of watching TV.

I would have told her she meant the world 10,0000X over to me,

And that she was the very best Abuelita anyone could have dreamt of having.

Alas, regrets can only go so far and exacerbate the pain felt so deeply.

How can I come to terms with this grief and accept the loss?

Experts say time.

                 

I know there is some truth to this tale.

However, I propose another solution in addition to this that also begins with ‘T.’

TRAVEL.

                  To a land of which I’ve dreamt.

To my roots, the very heart of my Abuelita.

To the same square at the center of Cochabamba

Where she first caught sight of my Grandfather

To know those who loved and missed her so dearly

For decades from another continent

To hear the stories, of good and bad times

Of laughter and loss – and feel with them

Perhaps this accident that prevented me from seeing Papi will in the end

Be a financial pathway to heal from losing my dear Abuelita.

I can only hope and pray that someday,

I can look back and smile at the days we spent together instead of cry.

That will be the day when I know my heart is healed and I’ve accepted losing my Abuelita.

Throwback Thursday: A Glimpse into My Personal Journal

August 3rd, 2010

"Thoughts of you, and how you've changed me fill my mind. Without you, where would I be?"
 - Barlow Girl

{Reading through an old journal of mine, I came across something quite profound that I thought I would like to share. The entry is centered on something that we as humans are bound to experience at some point: heartbreak.}

Today, these past few weeks even, I've given into fatalism.
Hopelessness and fear have ruled my thinking and caused me to be so afraid.

First, it was not knowing where I was going to school. Next, it was worry about an apartment.
Now, I worry about a job.

Before, I was more willing to give it all up for God's way. Now, I am having trouble trusting because things didn't turn out the way I had hoped or even planned with [a specific relationship].

I had hoped that he would be the one. The one with whom I'd share my heart, my life. Yet, I can hear the echo resound of that door closing slowly in my face, and it pains me deeply.

It goes against my will - my plan. The supposedly perfect plan that I conjured in my mind's eye. It was all going to be perfect.

Until that day, The Day, when it all came crashing down and I realized it would never be.

Never be what I had hoped. 

     Never be what I had dreamed.

           After all of my tears and prayers, all I had hoped for...   

           Wasted

                       Days

Hours

                                         Minutes
                     Seconds
                                                   Months
            Years
                                   Seasons
   
      Opportunities

                                               Energy
                    Life
                                Time
                                                        Gone

And now I fear above all that I may lose the very most important thing, something quite dear to me, that I should not at any cost lose sight of -- myself.

Who am I apart from being a girl who has had a crush on [this guy] for 2 years? Do I even know my identity outside of that? I had believed that I did, that my roots were so strong, they were unbreakable.

But now this doubt has got ahold of me and it won't leave. Won't let up - it needs to...I must break through to who I am - aside from the clutter of my thoughts and emotions.

Who am I in Christ? What is my name?

My name is Loved. 

          My name is Blessed.

                    I am called of the Most High.

Yet, that sounds so clichê right now. Yes, in theory I know who I am, but when the day is over and I sit in my room, all alone, I feel empty.

Like all the life and energy has gone out of me. Where is the hope I used to feel with every step? It was so easy before. Before all of these decisions came my way...now I feel so unsafe.

And when the lights go out, I stare at the ceiling, wondering at the meaning of it all.
Is all this futile? This hope in things I cannot see? What if all proves vanity?

All is wasted, nothing won. Ventured, yes, but nothing gained. Naught is anything at all. All the hopes and dreams we spoke of are without...

Without direction, cause, or meaning. If this all is vanity, then why am I here? Why do I sit, and think or dream if it will not change what has been or will be? I am me, but who is me?

What is my identity? What is my song? The song I have sung all along...
Even when I thought I could not go on this song gave me a dance.

It gave me hope that there was a chance that anything is worthwhile.
Help me regain the hopeful melody that rang so cheerily through the halls.

The passages of my house, and lifted, even carried me through the dark times of this life.
They kept me from darkness and despair.

These songs of hope, I sang with gusto these tunes...yet, where once there was hope I now see despair. Will the pain of life overtake me completely?

Can I know love once more? Will I find that which I seek and know I need? That which continually eludes and somehow taunts me, mockingly.

Hope, Love, Joy, Peace -- these  things I seek to know personally. I hope that soon they will not simply be nice ideas or notions.

Let them be my very own, borne of pain, blood, sweat, and tears, yet earned honestly, through most noble trials of life.

Let them be mine.

Take my heart, Have your Way

You say you've surrendered, yet still you've been running.

Patiently, I've been waiting - Arms open wide.

Eager to restore what the enemy has tried to steal from you.


Rise up and fight.


The battle is won in the secret place.

It begins in your mind with your thought life.


You've been the walking wounded - believing that you're so broken, I can't use you.


I use broken people.

I take broken lives and restore them.

I bring life where once there was only death and despair. 


[God, I belong to You]  

"Take what's broken, heal the pain.  Take my heart, have your way."

- Face in the Dark, The Ember Days. 

The Quest for the Zest of Life

I desire to live life to the fullest,

     To relish and enjoy every moment,

            For its own beauty and uniqueness.

To laugh in the face of uncertainty,

     Because it means a world of possibilities.

Oh to Dream without limitations,

     For when I was a child, practicality passed by unheeded.


To see the world through eyes of faith,

     And believe that good still does exist on this earth.

The naivete of a child is beautiful in its simplicity,

     But a world dark with sin seeks only to exploit.

Still I will seek to preserve that mindset:

     To forgive as I have been forgiven
       
          To smile more often than I frown

               To laugh often, and truly live in the moment.

Life does not grow more complicated as we grow older;
   
     We simply forget how to really live.







 

Coming Back

"It's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you pull yourself together and get back up." - Unknown

On this journey, there are things that happen that you didn't necessarily plan. I envisioned my life a certain way when I was younger and it's definitely been different. The reality of real life with everything, the good with the bad, can be overwhelming at times. This summer,  so much has happened with my family preparing to move, my grandma facing the end of her life, and my paternal grandmother suffering a serious injury in her shoulder and arm. I wish that I could say I faced the emotion and stress in a better way, but so many times I find myself pushing it away, deep down, and refusing to face how I'm really feeling.

It's not okay to do this - it isn't healthy and I need to face what I am truly feeling. It's something that I'm determined to do. I used to journal all the time – which is the main way I get my feelings out of my head and heart. That habit has been sorely lacking lately. Well, time for a change. No longer will I bottle up these feelings...I will face them head on. If that means journaling for hours or just talking more about how I am feeling than so be it.

Funny, this weekend I'm rather forced to slow down and think about my life because I am suffering from a pretty bad ear infection. The doc told me to take a lot of ibuprofen, every 8 hours, but it wore off after 5 1/2 so I'm sitting here trying not to focus on my throbbing right ear. It's kind of crazy because I went to the Urgent Care yesterday, and the doctor said I had "Swimmer's Ear", but when I went back to a different doctor last night, she said it was a pretty bad ear infection. I think the first doctor just looked at my ears for a total of 1 minute and didn't care, because my ears were already starting to ache then.

Well, I guess I am planning on taking advantage of this down time to think, reflect, renew, and refocus on what my priorities are and where I want to be in the future. Hoping that my ear feels better in the near future, because it's pretty painful right now.

Skylights

Sunshine shone in through the skylights as streaming beams of golden glow danced upon your face. So many words came to mind, things left unspoken that wanted to materialize. As the pause in conversation grew, I desired to speak but seemed to lose the words I thought I’d found.

You glanced up at me swiftly, a question deep in your piercing ocean eyes. It seemed you knew all too well the sentiments that remained unsaid. The moment ended and you sighed, disappointed yet again that I had lost my courage for the last time.

The silence ended with your smile, sweet and haunting all at once. As the sides of your mouth curved upwards, I couldn’t help but join you in the moment. Nostalgic was it not, the feeling of wishing that things were somehow different? So we smiled and laughed in the face of life’s uncertainties, only sure of the fact that we would stay forever friends.

Trust as a Process

Remember when you tried to ride your bike hands - free as a kid?
Practicing for days, you would teeter totter, wobble and wiggle until, one day, it all came together. At last, you had mastered the art of coasting without holding on, a feat almost every child dreams of accomplishing. The magic of this moment is really not a mystery at all, as we learn when we are older . The fact that the bicycle stays upright while the rider lets go of the handlebars is because it is stabilized by invisible inertial forces (a principle of Physics). Of course, as a kid, you might not have realized this was the reason this 'trick' worked. In a child's mind, you ride fast enough, and voila! No hands!

This morning, as I rode my bike home from taking a midterm, I jumped the curb to ride through the woods on the way to my neighborhood (I try to do something thrilling like this daily, and every time that I don't fall off my bike in the process, I cheer aloud ^_^). As I entered my neighborhood and rode down the home stretch, the idea popped into my head to try to ride "hands - free". I had attempted this trick when I was younger, but had never mastered it. Needless to say, the adrenaline began to flow as I was able to stabilize myself for several seconds. I tried again, successfully balancing for several more seconds. My goal is to continue to attempt this, increasing the time interval each time, until I can balance for a few minutes at a time.

As this was taking place, the existence of a parallel principle clicked into view in my mind's eye. I realized that the reason I had not been able to accomplish this feat as a child was due to lack of trust. I was fearful of losing control, of veering off the road and crashing. Surely, there must have been some special formula that allowed all the other kids to pull this off. In the moment I began to fear failure and its consequences, what I wanted most was to be safe and secure. That is everyone's desire, I think. Even when, no longer children, we are grown and have adult responsibilities, there is an innate human desire for stability. While this desire is not bad, attempting to gain stability in your life without relying fully on God may cause us to attempt to 'steer' when we really should allow Him to lead.

What does it mean to truly trust? Do we blindly take a 'leap of faith' and trust God?
I believe this is a widely held misconception in Christian circles. Did Jesus tell His disciples to blindly trust in Him? In some ways, yes - there were mysteries they did not fully comprehend. But in another sense, I believe the trust He called them to have had been previously earned. They saw Him living out what He preached; day in and day out, choosing to walk the path pre - destined by His Father. Jesus proved Himself through His actions by healing the sick, the blind, the lame, raising the dead, healing broken hearts, rebuking the ungodly hypocrites, and compelling sinners to come to Him.

Yes, the Bible says to trust in the Lord. Trust is a recurring theme throughout the Bible, yet when examined in the Old Testament, we see the Israelites as a great example of trust that has been built. The trust God asked of the Israelites in the Old Testament was not in any way unwarranted. They witnessed firsthand the miracles He did on their behalf in order to free them from the clutches of the stubborn, hard - hearted Egyptian Pharoah. God continued to prove Himself to them by miraculously parting the Red Sea for them to escape re - capture, and then letting the Red Sea go back to it's normal state, washing away the Egyptian Army in the process. There were countless miracles after all of these, almost too numerous to name here. The question that I feel this leads us to ask is: would you trust a God who saved you from certain death at the hand of an evil, murderous Pharoah? I know that I sure would.

While my path has not necessarily been as dramatic as the Israelites or the Disciples', God has proven Himself to me in my own life circumstances. First of all, God saved me from being eternally separated from His presence by sin when Jesus died on the cross for me, and offered me the gift of eternal life. After that, He filled me with His presence and the assurance that I am never alone, because He is with me. A key snapshot of my life is at the age of 16 when I had a revelation of the power of Salvation become a solid reality in my heart. The power of the gospel changed my life, and since that day I have had an incredible assurance in my heart that I would never be separated from God's love.

Why do I trust God to have control of my life? 
Because He has proven Himself to me. Every time I have experienced heartache in my life, God has provided the resources to pull me through. Those key provisions have included relationships with strong mentors, music, books, family, encouragement from my church body, personal revelation, even giving me things (for example, finding a sweet deal on something that I needed, and it totally made my day!). God knows us - the very innermost parts, in such a way that we can hardly fathom. When I have faltered, He has been there to take my hand and walk me through. I cannot say that I have all of the answers, but I know that He does. When I am most uncertain is the time when I cannot hesitate to cry out for wisdom and faith to believe. God is my rock, my fortress, the One in whom I trust. He has never failed me; his lovingkindness is without end. Trust Him to take the lead of your life, and it will be the greatest decision of your life. I can't say that it will be without hardships or trials, but with God guiding your path, it will most certainly be a grand adventure.

Hope Falters

A smile, a glance
Hearts beat faster
Hand to waist
The room spins

She grabbed his arm gently
As they bent over with laughter
Smiling together
A fond memory

Days passed
Words grew fewer
Doubts were planted
As a dream began to fade

Finally
A decision made
One feared loss
While the other truly gave

They parted
Choosing their separate ways
Apart as before
Wishing things could have stayed the same

A longing gaze
Still lingered after
The sway of her shoulders
As she walked away

No longer laughter

Growing apart

Pain within

Each separate heart

Even with care
There was still a divide
In the heart of the one
Who remained devoted

Scars remained
Like broken pieces
Shards of glass inside

They decided to take a chance
Hope took flight,
With wings like a dove
Lifting higher into the clouds

Until one day,
Hope flew away
Out of sight,
Out of reach.


We take a chance,
A chance on love
On trusting in a greater good

Knowing someday, somehow
Hope won't falter
It will grow
Into love greater than this world

Beyond ourselves,
Human comprehension
Beyond words spoken,
Or even romance fiction

We hope, we trust
Reaching, we let ourselves love
Feelings grow
Then trust is broken

Hearts grow apart,
Break and splinter.
Escape from pain alludes
Even as we continue chasing after

We fall, we falter
And we cry
Nurse our wounds
Feel we want to die

There is nothing that can truly comfort
Save forgetting for a time
The feelings that once lifted, then denied

Time will heal a broken heart
Only that will be a healing balm
Upon a wound festering inside
This friend unsought will come and mend

Copyright 2012 Lysandra Elena Productions

Gratitude: Your Greatest Weapon

"So we'll give thanks to You, with Gratitude, For lessons learned in how to trust in You, And we are blessed beyond what we could ever need, in abundance or in need."

~ Gratitude, Nichole Nordeman 

As Christians, I believe gratitude is one of our greatest weapons. It encourages us in our daily lives to look to God with a thankful heart. It also is a powerful weapon that helps fight unbelief, despair, fear, worry, and stress. Gratitude has the power to take us out of a self - pitying mindset or attitude and cause us to remember all of the times that God has been faithful - both in our lives and through His word. Taking time to write down what God has done in your life is a great way to tuck away little tidbits of encouragement for the days when you feel defeated.

I was reminded of the power of gratitude recently, as I have been going back and reading through my extensive journals from 2 years ago. I love to write out my prayer requests to God, and this time period of my life was one of intense seeking and relying on His strength. This season was definitely reflected in those prayers. It amazes me how so many times my prayers would start out sounding defeated, but  by the end they would be filled with thanksgiving and awe of God's faithfulness. My Father would speak to me during these precious times and then it would completely change my perspective regarding the situation, and I would come away changed.

I think that is one of the most powerful things about spending quality time with God is that it transforms our mindset from that of the world to a heavenly mindset. When we spend time with God, it causes us to set aside our worries and cares, give them to Jesus, and realize that we are safe in the arms of Christ. Our determination to try and change a situation through mentally figuring it or worrying about it is failing to trust in our Father. He is so good!

Would you lay aside your cares today? Try this: sit down with a pen and paper, and prayerfully start to write down what has been weighing you down or causing you to worry. Ask God to show you what He says about the situation, and give those cares to Him. As you give the burdens to God, your perspective will shift and you will see the situation with new eyes. Write down what God shows you and thank Him for fresh vision and His presence in your life.

More great reasons to journal: 8 Benefits of Writing in a Diary or Journal

Anticipation

As 2011 has come to a close, and 2012 has begun, I have a great feeling of anticipation welling up within me. I only have 3 more semesters until I finish my undergraduate degree. This means I am getting very close to graduating! I am really looking forward to my classes this semester too - I am taking an intro to theatre course, which should be a blast! 

Another great thing is that I have met a lot of amazing, encouraging people this past semester and God has really started building a community for me here in this new place. It's so funny - when I first moved here, I was feeling kind of down because I didn't know many people yet. Now the hard part is keeping up with everyone and all of the different events/movie nights/get togethers. What a difference solid relationships make in the quality of life! And it is just one more confirmation that I am exactly where I am meant to be. It is so encouraging to know that you are right in the center of God's will. 

As far as work, there have been a few changes recently. . So last week I found out that I am moving to bakery! This is pretty exciting for me - and hopefully I'll learn some cake decorating techniques along the way.

I am excited to start a new semester tomorrow - it will be good getting back into a regular routine, even though the break has been nice. I can't wait to see my Dance Company girls - I've missed them over break, and it's always a blast being with them :) 

Adieu,

Lysandra

Love never fails.

Your love, it never fails, it never ends. Your love it never quits, it never stops chasing my soul.  

- You're Never Giving Up by Jonathan David Helser 

This mystery I can never fully grasp, that God, who is Holy and untainted by sin could love those who have been deceived by the power of sin in the midst of their unrighteousness. He is all sovereign and all knowing, so He knows that we are going to sin before we choose that path. Yet He continues to love us and woo our hearts towards Him, despite the fact that our turning away brings Him pain and hurts His Father's heart. Even still, He waits with joy in His heart for the day that the heart of the sinner turns back to the Father of the broken, for He will embrace that one with gladness. Oh how wonderful it is, to be called children of the living God. No matter how far my heart gets from centering on my Father, it is never too far for Him to call it back home.

Dance for Joy

Yesterday, I visited a new church. I was blown away by God's presence - it was so tangible there. What touched my heart was seeing a little girl (probably about 8 or 9 years old) dancing her heart out in the front. She was twirling and pirouetting across the front. Her reckless abandon to worship her King truly blessed my heart. It reminded me of myself at that age.

God spoke to me in that moment, and I saw a picture of myself as a little 5 year old girl, dancing and twirling in total unashamed worship of the Lord. It was as if God was saying "See, I made you to dance. It's in your DNA - it's part of your identity." And also, another aspect of this picture was that it was a picture of myself and my identity before I was ever created - when I was still in the heart of God and before I was ever in my mother's womb - I was in the heart of God, dancing. Wow, what a thought. It totally blew my mind to think of things in that manner.

God is ever faithful - He gives exactly what you need at the time and place you need it. I am so grateful for this picture of God's love for me.

Forget Not His Benefits

"Forget not His benefits, forget not his mercies, For He has made me glad, He has taken these old rags and told me me all that I need to be covered by His love. And I will sing of the mercies of the Lord. "

- "Phrases" by Heidi Lichti


It's so easy to get caught up in the monotonous routine of life, forgetting to be grateful for what God has done in your life. How does this happen? We fail to be thankful, fail to remember. I am reminded of the Israelites who continually turned away from following God, even though He had rescued them from their foes countless times, performed many miracles among them, and was continually faithful to them. Yet they would forget, becoming discontented and choosing to turn away from their God.


This pattern can change. I will choose, today, to remember.
God has been faithful to me - I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a loving family. So many luxuries have been afforded to me that people in other countries cannot fathom because they spend the majority of their days seeking out basic commodities.

Lord, help me to remember your faithfulness in my life, and to continually seek your face. Let me forget not your beauty and your extravagance, your lovingkindness that never fails. I am thankful today for your sacrifice on my behalf, and for adopting my as your daughter. I will sing of the mercies of the Lord.

(This post was Inspired by a song "Phrases" - Heidi Lichti. Check it out at soaking.net)

Not Without Love

                                                       

Assuredly, 

Like the coming of the Dawn, 

The Father's love song goes on, 

Drowning out my bitter songs, 

And breaking through walls, 

And barriers... Christ swoops in, 

Removes sin, picks up His Bride 

And carries her." 

"So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing -

There's only one thing that pleases the Father: 

The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers

Now I finally see that Christ IS what Christ offers, 

And I'm finally free in the love of the Father. " 

(Not Without Love : The Benediction - Jimmy Needham)

Hardship stirs your soul, so that the darkness, the ugliest parts of yourself
all begin to bubble up to the surface. Tragedy brings you to face not only
the reality of the situation, but the reality of who you are.

I found myself faced with this scenario today. Riled up by recent hardships
and trials of life, I found anger rising up within my core. Along with this
came indignation at the thought of me being singled out for difficult times,
and the constant desire to yell: "Why me Lord, why me?"


Which leads to one of life's hardest questions:
If God is so good, why do we experience tragedy in our lives?
More than anything, when I cried out to God with this question,
He gently whispered to me:
   "Do you really see and know me as I am, or as you believe me to be?"

These are clearly two completely different things.
Our human misconceptions of God and who He truly is often lead to roadblocks in our walk of faith.
All I can do is ask God to show me why I view Him in the wrong way.
What does His word say about His character? It says that He is faithful.
That He is true - that He will never leave nor forsake His children.
His word says that He is a refuge, a very present help in time of need.

Why is it so hard for me to believe? I know these things are true in my head,
but when will I reach the point where truth makes the 18 inch journey from
my head to the very core of my being - into the center of my heart?
When it comes down to it, I think it's my own selfish pride that wants to be
strong & independent. I would rather strive and suffer through these difficult
circumstances, than admit that I need help and can't make it on my own.

God's joy is our strength - this I know to be true.
Yet, somehow, in my flesh, I would rather make it on my own.
I would rather rely on myself than fall into the arms of grace.
He's been there all along - He's been waiting for me to trust.
Gently beckoning,  He says:

"Oh my child, would you let me come close?

Would you surrender your all to me - the hopes and dreams? 

That which you hardly dare to vocalize, lest they fade away into oblivion...

         Would you trust Me with those desires?

It seems easier to keep these to yourself, but if you will surrender fully,

I will be able to work so deeply in you, something that is beyond your comprehension."

So I willingly choose to fall into the arms of grace, trusting that
not only will I be sustained for the journey, but I will be brought
to the reality of who I truly am - the fullness of identity and purpose
in Christ my Savior, as well as the purpose He has for my life.
Surrender never felt so sweet.  

Reflections on my 22nd Birthday

One year ago, I would not have expected to be where I am at today. I moved to a new city, attended a new school, and made a lot of amazing new friends. Life hasn't been perfect, but I have grown so much. I have realized that I am stronger than I thought, because God's joy is my strength. God has brought me out of a lot of legalism, into living out of a love and longing for His presence. Truly I am so thankful for this year, away from my family, with my new family - dear friends and a church who supports me and loves me. God knew what I needed before I asked for it, and He provided streams in the desert. 

Now, I am once more transitioning to a new school and city. This time, however, there is a difference. I will have family around me - I will be house mates with my sister, Casiphia, and my dear friend Joanna. Great things are just around the bend, but I am still savoring each moment as this old season comes to an end. Thank you Lord for another year of walking with You - blessings unimaginable, provision, healing -  truly I have a good Father. 

Soaring Higher

You're stronger than you realize
Hardier than you know
The storms of life have taught you well
To whom and where to go.

When trials of life grow harder
When storms and troubles come
The weight it grows so heavy
It begins to stifle your soul

You cry out in your heartache,
Sorrow grows too much
Falling on your knees
You know you can't trek on.

To Him Who Cares you carry
The heavy weights you bore
You lay them down before Him
Love washes over your soul.

A peace you have not known before
Floods in and wraps her arms around
Warmth fills you overflowing
Reaches to the very tips of your toes

No longer do you worry
About your life and things
When these become too much
You lay them at His feet

The answer is not found
In great and marvelous things -
Rest is full in knowing where
And Whom to trust in time of need.

~ Lysandra Elena 05/26/11