Coming Back

"It's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you pull yourself together and get back up." - Unknown

On this journey, there are things that happen that you didn't necessarily plan. I envisioned my life a certain way when I was younger and it's definitely been different. The reality of real life with everything, the good with the bad, can be overwhelming at times. This summer,  so much has happened with my family preparing to move, my grandma facing the end of her life, and my paternal grandmother suffering a serious injury in her shoulder and arm. I wish that I could say I faced the emotion and stress in a better way, but so many times I find myself pushing it away, deep down, and refusing to face how I'm really feeling.

It's not okay to do this - it isn't healthy and I need to face what I am truly feeling. It's something that I'm determined to do. I used to journal all the time – which is the main way I get my feelings out of my head and heart. That habit has been sorely lacking lately. Well, time for a change. No longer will I bottle up these feelings...I will face them head on. If that means journaling for hours or just talking more about how I am feeling than so be it.

Funny, this weekend I'm rather forced to slow down and think about my life because I am suffering from a pretty bad ear infection. The doc told me to take a lot of ibuprofen, every 8 hours, but it wore off after 5 1/2 so I'm sitting here trying not to focus on my throbbing right ear. It's kind of crazy because I went to the Urgent Care yesterday, and the doctor said I had "Swimmer's Ear", but when I went back to a different doctor last night, she said it was a pretty bad ear infection. I think the first doctor just looked at my ears for a total of 1 minute and didn't care, because my ears were already starting to ache then.

Well, I guess I am planning on taking advantage of this down time to think, reflect, renew, and refocus on what my priorities are and where I want to be in the future. Hoping that my ear feels better in the near future, because it's pretty painful right now.

Skylights

Sunshine shone in through the skylights as streaming beams of golden glow danced upon your face. So many words came to mind, things left unspoken that wanted to materialize. As the pause in conversation grew, I desired to speak but seemed to lose the words I thought I’d found.

You glanced up at me swiftly, a question deep in your piercing ocean eyes. It seemed you knew all too well the sentiments that remained unsaid. The moment ended and you sighed, disappointed yet again that I had lost my courage for the last time.

The silence ended with your smile, sweet and haunting all at once. As the sides of your mouth curved upwards, I couldn’t help but join you in the moment. Nostalgic was it not, the feeling of wishing that things were somehow different? So we smiled and laughed in the face of life’s uncertainties, only sure of the fact that we would stay forever friends.

Trust as a Process

Remember when you tried to ride your bike hands - free as a kid?
Practicing for days, you would teeter totter, wobble and wiggle until, one day, it all came together. At last, you had mastered the art of coasting without holding on, a feat almost every child dreams of accomplishing. The magic of this moment is really not a mystery at all, as we learn when we are older . The fact that the bicycle stays upright while the rider lets go of the handlebars is because it is stabilized by invisible inertial forces (a principle of Physics). Of course, as a kid, you might not have realized this was the reason this 'trick' worked. In a child's mind, you ride fast enough, and voila! No hands!

This morning, as I rode my bike home from taking a midterm, I jumped the curb to ride through the woods on the way to my neighborhood (I try to do something thrilling like this daily, and every time that I don't fall off my bike in the process, I cheer aloud ^_^). As I entered my neighborhood and rode down the home stretch, the idea popped into my head to try to ride "hands - free". I had attempted this trick when I was younger, but had never mastered it. Needless to say, the adrenaline began to flow as I was able to stabilize myself for several seconds. I tried again, successfully balancing for several more seconds. My goal is to continue to attempt this, increasing the time interval each time, until I can balance for a few minutes at a time.

As this was taking place, the existence of a parallel principle clicked into view in my mind's eye. I realized that the reason I had not been able to accomplish this feat as a child was due to lack of trust. I was fearful of losing control, of veering off the road and crashing. Surely, there must have been some special formula that allowed all the other kids to pull this off. In the moment I began to fear failure and its consequences, what I wanted most was to be safe and secure. That is everyone's desire, I think. Even when, no longer children, we are grown and have adult responsibilities, there is an innate human desire for stability. While this desire is not bad, attempting to gain stability in your life without relying fully on God may cause us to attempt to 'steer' when we really should allow Him to lead.

What does it mean to truly trust? Do we blindly take a 'leap of faith' and trust God?
I believe this is a widely held misconception in Christian circles. Did Jesus tell His disciples to blindly trust in Him? In some ways, yes - there were mysteries they did not fully comprehend. But in another sense, I believe the trust He called them to have had been previously earned. They saw Him living out what He preached; day in and day out, choosing to walk the path pre - destined by His Father. Jesus proved Himself through His actions by healing the sick, the blind, the lame, raising the dead, healing broken hearts, rebuking the ungodly hypocrites, and compelling sinners to come to Him.

Yes, the Bible says to trust in the Lord. Trust is a recurring theme throughout the Bible, yet when examined in the Old Testament, we see the Israelites as a great example of trust that has been built. The trust God asked of the Israelites in the Old Testament was not in any way unwarranted. They witnessed firsthand the miracles He did on their behalf in order to free them from the clutches of the stubborn, hard - hearted Egyptian Pharoah. God continued to prove Himself to them by miraculously parting the Red Sea for them to escape re - capture, and then letting the Red Sea go back to it's normal state, washing away the Egyptian Army in the process. There were countless miracles after all of these, almost too numerous to name here. The question that I feel this leads us to ask is: would you trust a God who saved you from certain death at the hand of an evil, murderous Pharoah? I know that I sure would.

While my path has not necessarily been as dramatic as the Israelites or the Disciples', God has proven Himself to me in my own life circumstances. First of all, God saved me from being eternally separated from His presence by sin when Jesus died on the cross for me, and offered me the gift of eternal life. After that, He filled me with His presence and the assurance that I am never alone, because He is with me. A key snapshot of my life is at the age of 16 when I had a revelation of the power of Salvation become a solid reality in my heart. The power of the gospel changed my life, and since that day I have had an incredible assurance in my heart that I would never be separated from God's love.

Why do I trust God to have control of my life? 
Because He has proven Himself to me. Every time I have experienced heartache in my life, God has provided the resources to pull me through. Those key provisions have included relationships with strong mentors, music, books, family, encouragement from my church body, personal revelation, even giving me things (for example, finding a sweet deal on something that I needed, and it totally made my day!). God knows us - the very innermost parts, in such a way that we can hardly fathom. When I have faltered, He has been there to take my hand and walk me through. I cannot say that I have all of the answers, but I know that He does. When I am most uncertain is the time when I cannot hesitate to cry out for wisdom and faith to believe. God is my rock, my fortress, the One in whom I trust. He has never failed me; his lovingkindness is without end. Trust Him to take the lead of your life, and it will be the greatest decision of your life. I can't say that it will be without hardships or trials, but with God guiding your path, it will most certainly be a grand adventure.

Hope Falters

A smile, a glance
Hearts beat faster
Hand to waist
The room spins

She grabbed his arm gently
As they bent over with laughter
Smiling together
A fond memory

Days passed
Words grew fewer
Doubts were planted
As a dream began to fade

Finally
A decision made
One feared loss
While the other truly gave

They parted
Choosing their separate ways
Apart as before
Wishing things could have stayed the same

A longing gaze
Still lingered after
The sway of her shoulders
As she walked away

No longer laughter

Growing apart

Pain within

Each separate heart

Even with care
There was still a divide
In the heart of the one
Who remained devoted

Scars remained
Like broken pieces
Shards of glass inside

They decided to take a chance
Hope took flight,
With wings like a dove
Lifting higher into the clouds

Until one day,
Hope flew away
Out of sight,
Out of reach.


We take a chance,
A chance on love
On trusting in a greater good

Knowing someday, somehow
Hope won't falter
It will grow
Into love greater than this world

Beyond ourselves,
Human comprehension
Beyond words spoken,
Or even romance fiction

We hope, we trust
Reaching, we let ourselves love
Feelings grow
Then trust is broken

Hearts grow apart,
Break and splinter.
Escape from pain alludes
Even as we continue chasing after

We fall, we falter
And we cry
Nurse our wounds
Feel we want to die

There is nothing that can truly comfort
Save forgetting for a time
The feelings that once lifted, then denied

Time will heal a broken heart
Only that will be a healing balm
Upon a wound festering inside
This friend unsought will come and mend

Copyright 2012 Lysandra Elena Productions

Gratitude: Your Greatest Weapon

"So we'll give thanks to You, with Gratitude, For lessons learned in how to trust in You, And we are blessed beyond what we could ever need, in abundance or in need."

~ Gratitude, Nichole Nordeman 

As Christians, I believe gratitude is one of our greatest weapons. It encourages us in our daily lives to look to God with a thankful heart. It also is a powerful weapon that helps fight unbelief, despair, fear, worry, and stress. Gratitude has the power to take us out of a self - pitying mindset or attitude and cause us to remember all of the times that God has been faithful - both in our lives and through His word. Taking time to write down what God has done in your life is a great way to tuck away little tidbits of encouragement for the days when you feel defeated.

I was reminded of the power of gratitude recently, as I have been going back and reading through my extensive journals from 2 years ago. I love to write out my prayer requests to God, and this time period of my life was one of intense seeking and relying on His strength. This season was definitely reflected in those prayers. It amazes me how so many times my prayers would start out sounding defeated, but  by the end they would be filled with thanksgiving and awe of God's faithfulness. My Father would speak to me during these precious times and then it would completely change my perspective regarding the situation, and I would come away changed.

I think that is one of the most powerful things about spending quality time with God is that it transforms our mindset from that of the world to a heavenly mindset. When we spend time with God, it causes us to set aside our worries and cares, give them to Jesus, and realize that we are safe in the arms of Christ. Our determination to try and change a situation through mentally figuring it or worrying about it is failing to trust in our Father. He is so good!

Would you lay aside your cares today? Try this: sit down with a pen and paper, and prayerfully start to write down what has been weighing you down or causing you to worry. Ask God to show you what He says about the situation, and give those cares to Him. As you give the burdens to God, your perspective will shift and you will see the situation with new eyes. Write down what God shows you and thank Him for fresh vision and His presence in your life.

More great reasons to journal: 8 Benefits of Writing in a Diary or Journal

Anticipation

As 2011 has come to a close, and 2012 has begun, I have a great feeling of anticipation welling up within me. I only have 3 more semesters until I finish my undergraduate degree. This means I am getting very close to graduating! I am really looking forward to my classes this semester too - I am taking an intro to theatre course, which should be a blast! 

Another great thing is that I have met a lot of amazing, encouraging people this past semester and God has really started building a community for me here in this new place. It's so funny - when I first moved here, I was feeling kind of down because I didn't know many people yet. Now the hard part is keeping up with everyone and all of the different events/movie nights/get togethers. What a difference solid relationships make in the quality of life! And it is just one more confirmation that I am exactly where I am meant to be. It is so encouraging to know that you are right in the center of God's will. 

As far as work, there have been a few changes recently. . So last week I found out that I am moving to bakery! This is pretty exciting for me - and hopefully I'll learn some cake decorating techniques along the way.

I am excited to start a new semester tomorrow - it will be good getting back into a regular routine, even though the break has been nice. I can't wait to see my Dance Company girls - I've missed them over break, and it's always a blast being with them :) 

Adieu,

Lysandra