Sometimes, my creative inspiration comes from the most random places...I mean c'mon, an old John Reuben cd, that happened to be on my old myspace blog, which I archived within the past couple of days...But somehow, it's totally relevant!
So I 'borrowed' the title of this entry- John Reuben's cd is entitled "The Boy vs. The Cynic". :)
Internal struggle...
Do I keep day dreaming as the 'girl', or do I shake myself out of it and become the rational 'cynic'?
Such a point of internal conflict.
I love to hope, to dream, to reach towards what I see as the ultimate goal. But, at the same time, the practical part of me says that I've got to do what makes sense right now. I can't keep thinking that everything will work out the way I wish it would...
So many times, it seems like my heart is pulling me in the right direction, but my head fights to go the opposite way. I'm just wondering if this internal 'battle' will end anytime soon. I don't like this feeling. It's uncomfortable. But maybe I'm not supposed to be comfortable. Hopefully this point of conflict will cause a stir within me to create a feistiness within my character; I've been passive for far too long.
This is one that just needs to be left to simmer for a little bit longer...I don't know the answer but I'm on the quest to find it.
--LB, The Adventurer.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Breathing
"...Surely, this isn't breathing, my chest burning & heaving-it's like my pulse is ceasing, like my heart quits beating... (gasping for breath)..." Not Without Love, The Benediction, Jimmy Needham.
Was I really breathing before?
Well, yes...literally, yet not figuratively.
Striving so often, gasping for breath...yet life would thrust me into the undertow.
It seemed like I could only truly come up for air every few months.
But now, I've come to a revelation.
Not only am I a 'creative soul,' I am an artist. In every sense of the word.
The artist within me has been fighting so hard to get out, and I think it's finally time that I let this creature run free.
Setting aside time for stillness is probably the biggest step.
Just time to 'be' is key.
So here goes- I've been taking baby steps towards this goal, but now I'm going to jump in with both feet. No longer will I be content to simply dip my toe into the water. I will immerse myself in creative activities that will enhance my artistic self.
Current creative projects: designing business card, as well as a mural for a photo shoot. Also, working on several songs that I have written- they simply need a bit of tweaking/perfecting. Soon, I will figure out how to use garage band & that will help with mixing my music a lot!
More updates to follow..
-LB
Was I really breathing before?
Well, yes...literally, yet not figuratively.
Striving so often, gasping for breath...yet life would thrust me into the undertow.
It seemed like I could only truly come up for air every few months.
But now, I've come to a revelation.
Not only am I a 'creative soul,' I am an artist. In every sense of the word.
The artist within me has been fighting so hard to get out, and I think it's finally time that I let this creature run free.
Setting aside time for stillness is probably the biggest step.
Just time to 'be' is key.
So here goes- I've been taking baby steps towards this goal, but now I'm going to jump in with both feet. No longer will I be content to simply dip my toe into the water. I will immerse myself in creative activities that will enhance my artistic self.
Current creative projects: designing business card, as well as a mural for a photo shoot. Also, working on several songs that I have written- they simply need a bit of tweaking/perfecting. Soon, I will figure out how to use garage band & that will help with mixing my music a lot!
More updates to follow..
-LB
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Transitions.
Some thoughts on stepping into a new season, & closing the door on an earlier chapter.
So, honestly, I always figured, in my head at least, that transitions would always be smooth & clean. Especially if it's clearly something that God is leading you to do...
But, that's not always true. Transitions can & will be messy sometimes.
The fact of the matter is, the truth that we must hold onto: God is faithful. He never fails. He is our strength.
More than anything, what I have learned from this 'messy' transition that I've been walking through is to hold everything with an open hand.
If you hold on too tightly, it makes it that much more painful to let go. But if we allow God to have HIS way, if we will surrender our plans to His will, then it will be so much less painful.
It seems that grasping at things is so easy to do. When we see a great opportunity fading into the background, then we think there is some sort of problem, and we have to 'fix it' by our human efforts.
But many times, in my experience, it has been God's prompting to move on. I've questioned His will, and just overcomplicated everything...God's will is something that we seek & ask for with all of our hearts...Then, when we finally see His will coming to pass, it doesn't fit the mold we had made for how God would go about accomplishing His will. So we flip out, thinking it isn't God after all because it isn't at all 'how God would actually accomplish his plan.'
What a web of lies.
The enemy deceives us by confusion.
God purifies us with perfect clarity of heart and mind.
So, honestly, I always figured, in my head at least, that transitions would always be smooth & clean. Especially if it's clearly something that God is leading you to do...
But, that's not always true. Transitions can & will be messy sometimes.
The fact of the matter is, the truth that we must hold onto: God is faithful. He never fails. He is our strength.
More than anything, what I have learned from this 'messy' transition that I've been walking through is to hold everything with an open hand.
If you hold on too tightly, it makes it that much more painful to let go. But if we allow God to have HIS way, if we will surrender our plans to His will, then it will be so much less painful.
It seems that grasping at things is so easy to do. When we see a great opportunity fading into the background, then we think there is some sort of problem, and we have to 'fix it' by our human efforts.
But many times, in my experience, it has been God's prompting to move on. I've questioned His will, and just overcomplicated everything...God's will is something that we seek & ask for with all of our hearts...Then, when we finally see His will coming to pass, it doesn't fit the mold we had made for how God would go about accomplishing His will. So we flip out, thinking it isn't God after all because it isn't at all 'how God would actually accomplish his plan.'
What a web of lies.
The enemy deceives us by confusion.
God purifies us with perfect clarity of heart and mind.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
.Walking it out.
I'm amazed how life is never quite what you expect it to be. Of course, that's not a bad thing always, either. If we always knew what was around the next bend, when would the excitement & intrigue have a chance to cause us to keep chasing the dream?
In many ways, by God's grace, I have in some small way 'realized' a dream. It is a huge overall vision, but it has been in my heart for years, literally. It's amazing how if I really search out God's will, it somehow seems to come back to a dream that I had when I was much younger. It causes me to wonder how much creativity & innovation has been stunted/cut off by people simply choosing to give up on their dreams.
That's what the Lord has protected the most in me, I think. My Dreams.
Vision for where I want to go in the future, and how I will get there. It's so incredible to finally see a piece of the big picture. It simply blows me away. God's ways are perfect, in His timing especially.
"The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing." (CJB)
Had a chance to take a mini-roadtrip today, which I always enjoy. It's always a great time to think over what has been going on in my life, and where I'm headed, etc. I love times of reflection.
God was definitely speaking to me to savor more. I get so busy sometimes, I forget to simply enjoy this season of my life. Just taking in a breath of fresh air in the morning, when the dew is still fresh on the ground, is a moment to praise God for creating everything so wonderfully.
During this road trip, God spoke to me of several things to lay at His feet. It was such a defining moment, I'm not sure that I quite have processed what exactly was enacted in me. Definitely something epic. Something indescribable. I am so much lighter in so many ways, so free from those burdens.
Oh, lay your burdens aside. The Father wants your heart, can't you see?
Striving, so often, we gasp & pant for a single breath to renew our lungs.
Yet this weight was never meant to be.
The expectations were never set by our Savior, but are man-made & legalistic.
Oh let Me come in like a flood & wash away the pain inside.
Oh child, hold on, love will find you.
In many ways, by God's grace, I have in some small way 'realized' a dream. It is a huge overall vision, but it has been in my heart for years, literally. It's amazing how if I really search out God's will, it somehow seems to come back to a dream that I had when I was much younger. It causes me to wonder how much creativity & innovation has been stunted/cut off by people simply choosing to give up on their dreams.
That's what the Lord has protected the most in me, I think. My Dreams.
Vision for where I want to go in the future, and how I will get there. It's so incredible to finally see a piece of the big picture. It simply blows me away. God's ways are perfect, in His timing especially.
"The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing." (CJB)
Had a chance to take a mini-roadtrip today, which I always enjoy. It's always a great time to think over what has been going on in my life, and where I'm headed, etc. I love times of reflection.
God was definitely speaking to me to savor more. I get so busy sometimes, I forget to simply enjoy this season of my life. Just taking in a breath of fresh air in the morning, when the dew is still fresh on the ground, is a moment to praise God for creating everything so wonderfully.
During this road trip, God spoke to me of several things to lay at His feet. It was such a defining moment, I'm not sure that I quite have processed what exactly was enacted in me. Definitely something epic. Something indescribable. I am so much lighter in so many ways, so free from those burdens.
Oh, lay your burdens aside. The Father wants your heart, can't you see?
Striving, so often, we gasp & pant for a single breath to renew our lungs.
Yet this weight was never meant to be.
The expectations were never set by our Savior, but are man-made & legalistic.
Oh let Me come in like a flood & wash away the pain inside.
Oh child, hold on, love will find you.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
There's a purpose/ In every path you take/ A reason why you live.
A dear friend once told me a great piece of advice:
how to know if it's God leading you.
She said "You will know that it is God leading, because there won't be confusion. There will be perfect peace & clarity. God leads with a strong urging, and there will be peace surrounding this as well." (Mrs. Cheryl R.)
If there is clearly and open door, I will walk through it. God is sovereign, and He will guide me in the right path. This is a concept that I have wrestled with, and simply decided to trust.
I think that it is the most incredible feeling when you're in the middle of a situation, and you can see how God has lined up all of the players, almost like a game of chess. It's completely mind boggling!
An example of God's sovereignty:
1. Right now, I'm taking a Sociology class- I simply love it. We are in Ch. 3, and it is on culture. This is really interesting to learn about, especially for me, because of the fact that I've been on 3 trips overseas.
2. I love different cultures, simply because my family is international. I am half Bolivian, and when we come together, it's a party!! Mi Abuelita is a gourmet chef, and she spoils us- yummmmmmy!!. Home-made breads, mashed potatoes, spinach salad, rice pudding, alfajores pompadour, seafood souffle...can you tell that I'm hungry right now? Lol!
3. I love to dance- it is simply a part of my being. I can't go a day without stretching, exercising, or just moving around in some way! It is simply a joy for me to dance- all kinds, especially line dances, bring such joy to everyone! I love learning new dances- it is my heart's desire to be able to bridge the gap to many different cultures and travel the world like Ana Pavlova. She shared her gift of creativity with those who had nothing to give in exchange. Likewise, I would like to share my gift of dance with those who are destitute, yet are still desiring to see beautiful artwork, and are worthy to experience it.
All these premises have a purpose, obviously.
Last night, my family went to the Greek Food Festival- it was incredibly rich. Delicious Gyros, Baklava, & other delicious authentic Greek treats. I met up with some friends when we got there. My parents met up with a couple- they are so incredibly cool! The wife is Bolivian, and the husband is Greek, yet he speaks and understands fluent Espanol. It was pretty humorous to hear a Greek gentleman replying to his Bolivian wife (who spoke to him in Spanish), in English!!
So I got there, & met up with my friend Katelynn & her mom. We went inside to watch the dancing. The youth were dancing, and it was so joyous. You could tell that everyone wanted to join in, but most of them were probably too scared to join in, due to a fear of failure or something similar. It was pure joy- to see the children & young teens so excited to be doing the cultural dances of their country. I could tell that many of them were probably 2nd or 3rd generation, but they still loved the dancing.
So they had an opportunity for everyone to join in...so I pulled my friend Katelynn into the 'beautiful chaos' with me. It was so much fun. Afterwards, I chased down the instructor, Didira, and asked her about lessons. She explained that it was more of a church group type thing, but was flattered by my interest. I explained to her that I do all kinds of dance, and I just love cultural dances! Basically, if it's a line dance, I'm in. haha! So we exchanged information, and she told me to best thing to do would be to call the church office.
After that, I found everyone again, then we went & got some scrumptious gyros and chowed down. I need to figure out how to make those- they are a little piece of heaven. Wait- the real little piece of heaven is baklava...mmmmm. So flaky & sweet. I better stop- I'm making myself hungrier... ;)
Ok, so as it turns out, my dad worked with an older gentleman named Ted P. at DuPont. We met his wife, she is a sweetheart! So we told her about how I wanted to come learn the dances at the church, and she said she would talk to the Priest's wife about me joining in the dance classes. What an open door! She told me to call the church office, but that she would make sure that they knew who I was.
All of this happened last night. This morning, I woke up and opened my Bible- it was to Acts Ch. 20. No lie- the header for this passage (NKJV) is "Journeys in Greece." If this isn't God leading me to get involved in this, then I don't know what it is. I am in awe of God & His perfect timing in all things.
Thank you Jesus for your hand in my life!
how to know if it's God leading you.
She said "You will know that it is God leading, because there won't be confusion. There will be perfect peace & clarity. God leads with a strong urging, and there will be peace surrounding this as well." (Mrs. Cheryl R.)
If there is clearly and open door, I will walk through it. God is sovereign, and He will guide me in the right path. This is a concept that I have wrestled with, and simply decided to trust.
I think that it is the most incredible feeling when you're in the middle of a situation, and you can see how God has lined up all of the players, almost like a game of chess. It's completely mind boggling!
An example of God's sovereignty:
1. Right now, I'm taking a Sociology class- I simply love it. We are in Ch. 3, and it is on culture. This is really interesting to learn about, especially for me, because of the fact that I've been on 3 trips overseas.
2. I love different cultures, simply because my family is international. I am half Bolivian, and when we come together, it's a party!! Mi Abuelita is a gourmet chef, and she spoils us- yummmmmmy!!. Home-made breads, mashed potatoes, spinach salad, rice pudding, alfajores pompadour, seafood souffle...can you tell that I'm hungry right now? Lol!
3. I love to dance- it is simply a part of my being. I can't go a day without stretching, exercising, or just moving around in some way! It is simply a joy for me to dance- all kinds, especially line dances, bring such joy to everyone! I love learning new dances- it is my heart's desire to be able to bridge the gap to many different cultures and travel the world like Ana Pavlova. She shared her gift of creativity with those who had nothing to give in exchange. Likewise, I would like to share my gift of dance with those who are destitute, yet are still desiring to see beautiful artwork, and are worthy to experience it.
All these premises have a purpose, obviously.
Last night, my family went to the Greek Food Festival- it was incredibly rich. Delicious Gyros, Baklava, & other delicious authentic Greek treats. I met up with some friends when we got there. My parents met up with a couple- they are so incredibly cool! The wife is Bolivian, and the husband is Greek, yet he speaks and understands fluent Espanol. It was pretty humorous to hear a Greek gentleman replying to his Bolivian wife (who spoke to him in Spanish), in English!!
So I got there, & met up with my friend Katelynn & her mom. We went inside to watch the dancing. The youth were dancing, and it was so joyous. You could tell that everyone wanted to join in, but most of them were probably too scared to join in, due to a fear of failure or something similar. It was pure joy- to see the children & young teens so excited to be doing the cultural dances of their country. I could tell that many of them were probably 2nd or 3rd generation, but they still loved the dancing.
So they had an opportunity for everyone to join in...so I pulled my friend Katelynn into the 'beautiful chaos' with me. It was so much fun. Afterwards, I chased down the instructor, Didira, and asked her about lessons. She explained that it was more of a church group type thing, but was flattered by my interest. I explained to her that I do all kinds of dance, and I just love cultural dances! Basically, if it's a line dance, I'm in. haha! So we exchanged information, and she told me to best thing to do would be to call the church office.
After that, I found everyone again, then we went & got some scrumptious gyros and chowed down. I need to figure out how to make those- they are a little piece of heaven. Wait- the real little piece of heaven is baklava...mmmmm. So flaky & sweet. I better stop- I'm making myself hungrier... ;)
Ok, so as it turns out, my dad worked with an older gentleman named Ted P. at DuPont. We met his wife, she is a sweetheart! So we told her about how I wanted to come learn the dances at the church, and she said she would talk to the Priest's wife about me joining in the dance classes. What an open door! She told me to call the church office, but that she would make sure that they knew who I was.
All of this happened last night. This morning, I woke up and opened my Bible- it was to Acts Ch. 20. No lie- the header for this passage (NKJV) is "Journeys in Greece." If this isn't God leading me to get involved in this, then I don't know what it is. I am in awe of God & His perfect timing in all things.
Thank you Jesus for your hand in my life!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
"What's in your hand?"
A single question.
A conundrum, in that it appears so innocent, so simple. Yet when one begins to comprehend the depth of what is truly in one's hand, it can be overwhelming all at once.
This was the question that I was faced with tonight.
So, I asked myself- what is in my hand?
A side note: I am such a detail oriented individual, it is extremely difficult for me to see the forest for the trees- to see beyond the individual parts, the miniscule details, and look up to see that the bark, trunk, leaves, & roots all combine to form the masterpiece that is a tree. For me to see the big picture is no less than a miracle. I know God is speaking to me when I begin to see the big picture!
What is in my hand- life experience.
There is so much more, but it would take forever to expound upon, so I'll start there.
I have walked through the darkest of valleys and come through alive simply because my Savior is greater than the trials I have faced. I cannot take any credit for it. He is my shelter, my strong tower, my ever present help in time of need. He has covered me with His feathers- in the shadow of his wings is my shelter- His faithfulness IS my shield and rampart. (Ps. 91:12)
Looking back, I see how many times the enemy literally tried to kill me. By using others to persecute me, at times I wished that it would all just fall away. I felt like giving up and letting all the fight seep out of me. I remember all of the girls that were jealous, the cruelty that had no merit whatsoever. They were allowing themselves to be tools in the hands of the enemy.
How long does healing take?
I believe that it is a process yes, but at the same time, I think it is a decision. You can decide to hold onto that pain, that hurt, that bitterness. But it will fester - oh boy it will get infected until you will hardly recognize the state of your own soul anymore.
Yet, if you allow the sweet salve of the Lord to come and be massaged, ever so gently into the wounds, God will have permission to restore what the enemy has attempted to steal, kill, & destroy.
I'm not saying that the healing process isn't painful, because it is. But the joy in being complete once more, the love that comes out of a forgiving heart is worthy of the price that must be paid in exchange.
"Re-tooling" is the word the Lord spoke to me at the beginning of the summer. It was spot on. It hasn't ended either- it is only the beginning of the healing work that the Lord is enacting in me.
A victory- today, I picked up my clarinet with great joy for the first time in 4 years. The pain that has been associated with that instrument has been immense. There were people that I needed to release & forgive in order to have freedom from those negative emotions.
It was last night that the Lord reminded me of my musings at 13 years old while practicing my beloved clarinet (whom I christened "Old Reliable") that my playing was reminiscent of the musicality of King David. Oh with such joy I would play my scales & all my favorite marches. Up until now, I had forgotten that such pure worship had once poured forth when I played.
I believe that this healing work is a testimony to God's faithfulness. I am not supposed to keep it to myself, I'm supposed to share it with others. Then they will be encouraged that whatever circumstances they are facing, God is so much bigger.
I'll close with a simple question:
"What's in your hand?" ;)
A conundrum, in that it appears so innocent, so simple. Yet when one begins to comprehend the depth of what is truly in one's hand, it can be overwhelming all at once.
This was the question that I was faced with tonight.
So, I asked myself- what is in my hand?
A side note: I am such a detail oriented individual, it is extremely difficult for me to see the forest for the trees- to see beyond the individual parts, the miniscule details, and look up to see that the bark, trunk, leaves, & roots all combine to form the masterpiece that is a tree. For me to see the big picture is no less than a miracle. I know God is speaking to me when I begin to see the big picture!
What is in my hand- life experience.
There is so much more, but it would take forever to expound upon, so I'll start there.
I have walked through the darkest of valleys and come through alive simply because my Savior is greater than the trials I have faced. I cannot take any credit for it. He is my shelter, my strong tower, my ever present help in time of need. He has covered me with His feathers- in the shadow of his wings is my shelter- His faithfulness IS my shield and rampart. (Ps. 91:12)
Looking back, I see how many times the enemy literally tried to kill me. By using others to persecute me, at times I wished that it would all just fall away. I felt like giving up and letting all the fight seep out of me. I remember all of the girls that were jealous, the cruelty that had no merit whatsoever. They were allowing themselves to be tools in the hands of the enemy.
How long does healing take?
I believe that it is a process yes, but at the same time, I think it is a decision. You can decide to hold onto that pain, that hurt, that bitterness. But it will fester - oh boy it will get infected until you will hardly recognize the state of your own soul anymore.
Yet, if you allow the sweet salve of the Lord to come and be massaged, ever so gently into the wounds, God will have permission to restore what the enemy has attempted to steal, kill, & destroy.
I'm not saying that the healing process isn't painful, because it is. But the joy in being complete once more, the love that comes out of a forgiving heart is worthy of the price that must be paid in exchange.
"Re-tooling" is the word the Lord spoke to me at the beginning of the summer. It was spot on. It hasn't ended either- it is only the beginning of the healing work that the Lord is enacting in me.
A victory- today, I picked up my clarinet with great joy for the first time in 4 years. The pain that has been associated with that instrument has been immense. There were people that I needed to release & forgive in order to have freedom from those negative emotions.
It was last night that the Lord reminded me of my musings at 13 years old while practicing my beloved clarinet (whom I christened "Old Reliable") that my playing was reminiscent of the musicality of King David. Oh with such joy I would play my scales & all my favorite marches. Up until now, I had forgotten that such pure worship had once poured forth when I played.
I believe that this healing work is a testimony to God's faithfulness. I am not supposed to keep it to myself, I'm supposed to share it with others. Then they will be encouraged that whatever circumstances they are facing, God is so much bigger.
I'll close with a simple question:
"What's in your hand?" ;)
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