Grief

...is an odd thing, isn't it?

One moment, you think you are fine.

Then you recall a fond memory, or find a handwritten note while flipping through an old journal and it all comes rushing back.

Time, as we experience, is linear.

Memories, for me, are a collection.

Of laughter, stories, love, and time spent together.

My grandmother leaning over to tuck me in. Her "bird face".

Instructions on how to prep the potatoes to yield the perfect mashed potatoes for the Thanksgiving feast.

Most of all, of wisdom imparted in passing.

Of all of the beautiful times we held concerts and she laughed and clapped, and cheered.

When I would call her and tell her I did well on my exam in school, and she would tell me "My babies are the best!" without wavering, since she always had more faith in us than we ever had in ourselves.

The beauty, elegance, gentle grace, tenacity, kindness, and latin fire.

All of this was my Abuelita.

She was, and always will be, an integral part of me.

My inspiration - my encourager, my intercessor, my friend.

If I had one more day, I'd hug her a little tighter, stay a little longer, and (try) to get her to sit and visit more persistently. She hardly ever slowed down, but when she did, those were golden moments.

Sitting on the couch together, holding hand, peaceful. Happy.

At rest.

And I know she is, looking down, smiling. Whole.

I love you Abuelita - con todo mi alma. Siempre.

~Lysandrita

In Every Season

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91:4 In every season, God is faithful. No matter how we may feel or the doubts that we experience, He is there. Last week, we said good bye for the last time to my beloved Abuelita. She has been such a part of my life, and it is so difficult to imagine life going on without her. It was so hard to see her in such pain at the end, as she had been fighting cancer for 6 years, and it had finally gone into her lungs. When she finally passed, she went peacefully in her sleep. Even at the end, she was thinking of everyone else, worrying about food and lodging, but we reassured her that everything was taken care of. It was so precious that she was able to kiss and hug her children and grandchildren one last time before she went. I am so very grateful that we had the time with her that we did. It was so very special to be with her, gathered around as we walked her through the shadow of death into the arms of the Father. Many people have little warning that their loved ones are going to pass, with sudden illnesses such as heart attacks or strokes. We had the time to gather and say goodbye, which was special albeit painful to see her wither away to almost nothing as she lost all appetite and reverted to her native language. What was so special was singing songs over her as she drifted in and out of consciousness. I have to believe she could hear me and was blessed with God's peace through this. What I found most interesting is that when my Abuelita breathed her last breath on this earth, I was not by her side. Instead, I was found caring for the youngest grandchild - bathing baby Anita Jean and playing with her. This is what my Abuelita longed to do, and what she would have been doing had she been whole and well. She was such a selfless servant. I am and will be forever grateful for the example she set of family first and unconditional love. The legacy of my grandmother's heart to serve and love for others lives on and is a burning passion in my heart, lit by the Lord and tended by her and others who have gone before. I hope and pray that this is something that will continue to grow in me, so I can reach out - serving and loving others.

The in - between

So long I've waited, waited for my life to begin. First it was high school, then university. Now it is career. What after that? Marriage, children, house with a white picket fence?

I am beginning to realize that life isn't about a destination, it is about the journey. The day - to - day struggles. Living in the moment and not stressing over what could have been, but accepting things as they are. Choosing to find the gems in your path, instead of focusing on the rocks you stubbed your toes on. Joy is found in looking towards the future with hope, dreaming about what could be and making a plan to weave that into reality.

Perhaps I am not where I want to be yet, but why should I let that steal from my joy in this season? My quest is to gain what I can through this time, this in-between. Before I know it I will be moved on to where I want, and look upon this season of quietude with longing and a sigh.

Lord,

Teach me to trust you. So often I forget. Thank you for being patient with me, as I seem to need to be instructed in the same way any times over. Help me to have joy in this season and give me eyes to see what you are doing in the here and now. Let me not discredit the work you are doing in me. Continue to give me a clear, laser focus on you. A heart that is relentlessly and hopelessly in pursuit of my King. Wholly devoted. Endurance for the journey, peace in my heart. I am Yours.

Love,

Lys