Levels of healing: going deeper.

I haven't written in so long, but that's ok. I'll just summarize basically the past month and go from there...

So I finished up my summer Biology class with an A (!!). I guess all that hard work paid off. It was really cool that I made some new friends too, that I will definitely stay in touch with. Holli, one of my pals from Bio, was so awesome. We would text/call each other and be like "what's the 2nd step of aerobic respiration?" You know, quiz each other and such. It was awesome.

Biology finished up on July 13th. Since then, I've pretty much been working part-time and trying to hang out as much as possible before school starts in a few weeks. Which reminds me that I've got to jump on some hardcore studying to pass a clep exam...err...need to get on that.

Another exciting thing is the meetings to plan for the GenIgnite "Ignite Groups." Basically, they are super small groups of 5-8 teens with a leader & co-leader. The purpose of these groups is to fellowship & grow together in their relationship with the Lord. Pretty awesome! I'm so excited because the leaders are also going to have fellowship groups, to encourage each other/learn more about how to lead, etc. I can't wait to see what God is going to do- the anticipation builds as we come closer and closer to August 23rd- the launch date. WHOO HOO!!

Last night was Engine, the weekly prayer/worship meeting for GenIgnite. The crazy thing was, I was already gonna be late because I finished up some things pretty late at work. Then I got to church, and the parking lot was caution taped off!! I was wondering what in the world happened...so I went to Executive Place thinking that the meeting might have been moved over there, and no one was there either. So I was sitting there, calling a bunch of ppl to see what was going on, but no one answered. Until Danny texted me and told me we had to park in the other parking lot at the Manna site...lol. So I got there with about 15 or 20 minutes left of the worship time.

God's presence was so apparent- it was like coming straight before the throne of grace--incredible. I fell to my knees in adoration of the God who created us, and has poured out His love for us to the extent of death on a cross for the sins of the world. Though we rejected Him, He set His love upon us and gave the ultimate sacrifice that we might be called sons and daughters of the living God. Sitting there, before the Lord, words failed me. I just kept telling God that I was so in AWE of Him and who He is, that I didn't have the words to describe just how incredible He is. Right there, in that place, God reminded me of a couple of people that I needed to forgive. He truly helped me to release them completely.

The funny thing is that I've forgiven these people before; so many times I've prayed for God to help me forgive them, etc. I've come to realize that forgiveness can come in levels. It's like when you forgive them the first time, it can be on the surface level, yet there may be residue of unforgiveness still. So God will come in again for a second cleaning, which will stir up the silt sitting in the depth of our hearts, and clean it out a second time. Maybe sometimes it's the third time that truly purifies us. That's simply a kind of analogy in my mind. Whichever way, whatever form the forgiveness comes in, God knows us. He truly does. He knows that we are but dust. He is so gracious. I thank Him for never failing, for speaking to my heart to forgive these people.

It is SO freeing to release them. I know that God has healed me on a deeper level than I even believed that He could, because He is so gracious and loving. After this healing took place in my heart, Shawn Withy-Allen said let's have just one minute of speaking praises to God's name out loud. I started praising Him and just pouring out a heart of praise. I'm not kidding- it felt like 20 seconds, but two minutes had actually passed!! It's so important to speak thanksgiving to God, and it reminded me that I definitely need to focus on that more.

God is ever faithful, ever true. He is near to the broken hearted.

If you have wounds that are so deep, you don't think they can ever heal, simply trust Him. He will never give you more than you can handle. He is the God who is there. He will walk with you through deep waters. He will hold your hand through the pain of remembering and dealing with the deepest hurts within your soul. Trust in God, and He will bring a cleansing in your heart and soul, the depth of which is sometimes beyond our comprehension. He is our Healer.

"Re-tooling: A Work in Progress"

This is the word that the Lord spoke to me when I was especially frustrated during this last week. He is "re-tooling" me-wanting to heal many wounds within my heart that have healed in a bad way.

The best analogy I can think of is that of a broken bone that has healed, but has so much scar tissue around it- it is hardly functional. Not only that, but it has healed all crooked, so that it doesn't work in the way it was meant in the first place. The Lord comes as the good physician, and offers to perform major surgery to correct this wizened limb. He explains that it is a long, arduous procedure, but in His capable hands it will all turn out just fine.

The surgery will involve re-breaking the bone, re-setting it in the correct way, and a long road to complete healing. But the rewards will be astounding! The limb will be fully functional again, and with therapy, it will hardly be noticeable that it was ever broken!! As I consider this proposal, I realize that I must trust in my Savior. He truly knows what is best for me; if he sees that a part of me is broken, it must be important that it be healed.

This is where I am.

In the middle of a healing work that God is doing in my heart. It hurts so much in the midst of it all, as the Lord is walking you through the healing process, but I have been here before many times. He will carry me when I am weak. He will continually speak words of encouragement to my thirsty soul. He will not let me perish in a dry and weary land. He will be my sustenance and my help. The healing will come, and I will be whole once more.

The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want.

Battling anxiety.

It's so easy to live in fear. To see how things might go wrong, and constantly be worried that life might work out that way. It is so much harder to constantly trust in God that He will sustain you, and work out the circumstances according to His good and perfect will. But that is the way of life that brings so much peace- it's also what we are commanded to do in His Word.

God has been showing me just how much I have been held back by fear. Fear of the future, of the unknown, others' opinions, failure, unworthiness. So many times, we are held back because we are not obeying God. God has promised us full and ABUNDANT life. Will He not supply every need, according to His riches and glory? Why do we worry if it is firstly disobedience to God, and secondly not accomplishing anything, & thirdly, maybe even a habit that is detrimental to our health?

I think it's a form of grasping at control. We feel life is so transient, that we try and reach out to something we can hold onto. If we worry about our circumstances, somehow we think we can change the outcome. But in the end, it's still the same. God is still God, and He always knew the end from the beginning. He knows what will come to pass at the end from before the event ever starts- kind of mind-boggling!! So worry doesn't change the outcome; instead it tears down our faith. It makes us come into the mindset that our problems are bigger than God's power. Yeah right, like anything could be bigger or more powerful than the God of the universe.

While this is something that I'm still learning about (and will constantly fight to trust God with), I believe that we have weapons against anxiety.

We can tell God about the circumstances, how they seem impossible, and set our will that we will not hold onto them, but instead give them to Him. Praying the scriptures over these issues can help as well. Praying the Psalms is wonderful! Most of all, just coming before our Father with faith like a child, realizing that He wants to give good gifts to His children. He loves us, and has good plans for us in the future. If we trust in Him, He will sustain us with His mighty right hand.